Jasmine's started walking & Lily heard from God

Hi everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I posted. We've had a busy last few weeks with Lily finishing up preschool, an open house to introduce Jasmine, Grandma Mary coming for a visit, Jasmine's MRI being redone and my birthday. Whew - no wonder I've been tired! :-)

Since I haven't updated on the family in some time, I thought I'd give you some of the highlights of what's been going on w/the Youngs. Some of the most exciting news is that in the middle of Jasmine's open house, she started taking her first steps! It was so exciting to share that w/ our friends that came! She's continuing to try and take steps here and there and her personality has really started to come through since the beginning of this month. It's been really fun to see her start to open up and flourish! She also had her rescheduled MRI about 10 days ago and we got the results back yesterday - NO SURGERY NEEDED! Yea God! That's a huge relief for us on a variety of levels. That should be the end of the tests that are needed and we are trusting God to work out the financial provision for those costs. Thank you God!

The other really amazing thing was that Lily heard from God for the first time! It was actually the next day at church and they were teaching the kids how to listen for God and how to hear from Him. Lily heard God tell her that He loved her and that she is very pretty and that God made flowers for her. How precious is that? What makes it even more special is that the next week at school and at the playground, there were a few boys that called her some names and we were able to remind her what God thought of her to counteract that. Our God is so good! I wish I had learned to listen to God when I was her age. Other than that, she seems to be going through cycles of fearing that we are going to leave her and wondering if we love her. This has come up recently so we've been trying to put extra effort into reassuring her that we are a forever family and she is our forever child. We chose her and we love her and we are not going to leave her. I'm not sure if she was triggered by Mother's Day and started thinking about her birth mom or what but we've been dealing w/that for the last couple of weeks. That's a pretty normal thing in adoption and if you don't allow the kiddos to express their feelings and talk about their fears, it will continue to come up w/more intensity each time. We've really worked hard to not take anything personally but to identify w/her grief and her loss and let her grieve when she needs to. My heart's desire for both of my girls is for God to completely heal the holes in their hearts and bring something beautiful out of the loss they've both experienced. I want my girls to fall in love with Jesus and see how He not only saved them from their sins (which is most important) but also from their old circumstances and to embrace the new legacy that He's given them. I pray that they'll be able to see how God was in the tiniest of details in their lives just as we've seen that in ours.

Besides all of the things going on w/our girls, we're in a holding pattern waiting to see what will happen with Jim's job. Between the economy and other circumstances, it's been a tough time for his employer. Please pray for them and pray for God's continued provision for our family. Whatever happens, we are trusting Him to take care of us.

God has continued to give me MULTIPLE opportunities to work on my insecurity. I've had to step outside my comfort zone and make conscious decisions in several areas to be secure and to brush off my fears of what others think. I've had to let go of "friendships" that weren't really friendships and continue with plans regardless of the outcome. Some things I've felt some measure of success in and others I've felt failure. I've done some overcoming and succumbed to criticism in other areas but all in all I'm thankful for the opportunities to grow in this huge issue. I can't help but once again think of how God is in the tiniest of details as this will be a necessary step in order to reach the next one that God has for me. I'm eager to see where this is all leading and see how all of the details are tied together but for now, I'm waiting and working on the things God has laid before me. It's hard to not jump ahead! :-)

Well, I'm off to get up my littlest turkey so I will def. try to update more soon. In the meantime, we continue to praise and thank God for His healing, provision, love and forgiveness. As one of my fav. worship songs says, "This I know, You are a Great God. This I know, You are a Great God. This I know, You are the ONE TRUE GOD, You are a Great God."

Lesson #2 with Insecurity - I am a dearly loved child of God

Hi everyone. Before I get to my latest thing I'm learning, I wanted to thank you all for your prayers for Jasmine. We will need to ask you to pray again in a few weeks as, today, after they put her under, the MRI broke down! They kept her under for 45 minutes while they tried to get it working again but to no avail. As a result, we have to repeat the test 2 weeks from today. Ugh! Frustrating to have to put our little girl through all of that again, especially after Jim took off the morning from work to watch Lily, but we're taking it all in stride. Thanks for your prayers and we'll keep you updated as the rescheduled MRI date approaches.

So, as far as my lessons with insecurity go, what I am thankful for in all of this is that I am a dearly loved child of God! It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, God still loves me fully and I am so incredibly thankful for that. There is nothing that I can do that will EVER separate me from His LOVE! Praise you, God, for your incredible love for me. Where my insecurity has come in has been in forgetting that I am dearly loved by God and feeling heartbroken over those that have chosen to "dump" me after 8 1/2 years of "friendship" and "doing life together." Why? I can speculate but really I have no idea. I'm sure we've all had "friendships" like that. The good news is that regardless of what others may do or say or how they flake, God will NOT! I was reminded of that tonight, as I was driving to yoga and a song came on the radio by David Crowder called "How He Loves us" The lyrics are:

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves."

Oh, Praise God for His perfect timing and His incredible love! He continued to minister to me tonight throughout my yoga practice, on the way back home and even now as I'm typing, the "random" songs that have been coming up on my playlist have been ministering to my very soul. Who am I God, that you love me?! Rejected by many and yet you see my value and my heart and regardless of those, you still love me! Praise you God! I choose to believe that I am a dearly loved child of God. I want to leave you with one more song that was playing as I finished this blog. It's called "You Hold me Now" by Hillsong.

"On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name"

MRI tomorrow

Hi everyone! I hope all of the moms had a wonderful Mother's Day the other day! Ours was relatively calm and peaceful so that was nice! I just wanted to ask for some prayers for Jasmine tomorrow as she'll be having an MRI to check out a perforation (sp?) in her lower back area. We're praying that this little area will be closed, in that it doesn't go to any vital areas like her bowels or her spinal cord. We ask for prayers for her as she'll have to be put under anesthesia to keep her perfectly still during the procedure. Please pray that she wouldn't suffer any adverse effects from the anesthesia and that the doctors would be able to get whatever information they need from this MRI so that she doesn't have to undergo any further testing. Thanks so much for your prayers and we'll keep you posted as soon as we're done tomorrow. The procedure is at 10:15 a.m. Thanks everyone and we'll talk to you soon!

Tackling insecurities

Sometimes I think I should change the title of this blog from "4-Ever Family" to "Diary of a Mad White Woman (spoof on Tyler Perry's movie) and Her Family's Efforts to Survive Her." I feel like I've been trying to be all things to all people ever since Lily came along (ok, since birth. Who am I kidding?) and it's, seriously, DRIVING ME CRAZY! Good wife, good mother, good friend, good sister, good daughter, good Christian, good involved church goer, good exerciser, good weight, etc. Why is it, as women, we are always striving to be everything to everyone? For me, I don't think it's perfectionism as much as it is people-pleasing. I hate to let people down so I try too hard to make them happy. I am a big mushball and get my heart broken easily so it's even worse if someone's upset or disappointed with me. I have a strong set of values that I won't break for anyone so when I do have to take a stand on something, it costs me in more ways than one. I guess it's good timing to have gone to the new Beth Moore simulcast yesterday called "So long Insecurity." As it turns out ALL of my people-pleasing is rooted in insecurity! Go figure! Wow, what a day! My brain still hurts. If any of you have ever either seen Beth Moore speak or done one of her studies, you know how intense and deep she is. Yesterday was no exception as we were encouraged to ask God to break the stronghold of insecurity in our lives and see how God uses us to change our culture as a result. No small challenge when you consider how deep and pervasive insecurity is in our lives. How many of us will miss out on God's calling in our lives because we were paralyzed by insecurity? Beth Moore said that insecurity is unbelief in God. Ouch! But it's so true, isn't it? If we FULLY believe that we are dearly loved children, as God has said in His word, and that we have been FULLY forgiven, then wouldn't that be the ultimate in security?! The funny thing is that for many of us, we think our insecurity is security because it keeps us in our comfort zone. The reality is that our insecurity keeps us from experiencing the real security of KNOWING without a shadow of a doubt that we are deeply loved children of God and FULLY forgiven. "If God is for us, then who can be against us?" I'm so tired of letting insecurity keep me from experiencing how deeply loved and fully forgiven I am. I'm scared of the process but I know that God will be faithful to complete the work He began in me and I'm trusting Him to do what He needs to do in me.

I can't help but think, once again, of God's perfect timing in bringing this up in my own life at this particular time. I've felt for a while that God is leading us up to something although I have no idea what it is and now I can't help but feel that perhaps He's wanting to get insecurity out of the way so that we are equipped to do whatever He's wanting to call us to do. Either way, I don't want to miss out on the bigger picture and I don't want to miss out on my calling, whatever that may be!

On other fronts, the "flower girls" are doing ok. Lily was sick one week and Jasmine has been sick this last week and VERY cranky so we've had a tough couple of weeks as a result. Playtime continues to be a challenge so please continue to pray for me as I continue to try and figure things out. I'm trusting God to continue to prompt me and I'll try to be faithful to follow through on what He directs.

Well, that's it for now. I have NO DOUBT that I'll be posting a lot about insecurity in the next few weeks and months as God brings me through this journey. Feel free to post back if you have any ideas that you think will be helpful or even share what you're learning as well! In all of these things, we are extremely thankful for an AMAZING and loving God who has done far more than we deserve in our lives!

Praise God.......yet again!

Thanks so much for your prayers! Praise God, my "mass" is a cyst or as the doctors said, "Holy cow, that's one honking big cyst!" Cracked me up! Anyway, I'm incredibly thankful and will be getting w/my doctor to see what the next step is. Thanks for praying!

Other than that we're all doing well. I'm still trying to figure out different ways to have more meaningful play time with the girls. I know that sounds weird to many of you but this is something that does not come naturally to me. I wish it did. We do, at least, have a great schedule in place, now we just need to fill it in with some substance. If anyone has any great suggestions that have worked for you and your kiddos, please feel free to pass along! I'm open! :-) I really want to create special moments with the girls each day as we play together. I want them to remember playing with their mom when they were little and to create these little "magical" moments with them that stimulates their imaginations and bonds us together.

Something else to pray for is for Jasmine and I to continue to bond. As I shared earlier, I've felt very disconnected since we've been home, a lot of that due to exhaustion, but disconnected nonetheless. I'm slowly getting my energy back by doing little things for myself and getting filled up but I really need to work at bonding with my littlest flower girl. Again, I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any great bonding ideas. I want both my girls to know, without a doubt, that their mommy loves them and thinks they're the most precious little girls. Thanks so much for your prayers on that as well!

In the meantime, we are so incredibly thankful & humbled for the MANY ways that God has blessed us. Thank you all for your love and support of our family.

Out of body experience

It's funny how certain life events can have you feeling like you're living someone else's life. I've got 2 of those circumstances going on right now. One is the surreal feeling I get when I look at my youngest daughter. I think of how long we prayed for her and dreamed of her and suddenly she's here. In my arms, no less! I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact, even 2 months later. The other is the feeling you have when you're facing a potential health crisis and your body has become a stranger to you. I'm going through that as well. Wednesday, I found a mass in my breast and Friday, I went to my OB/GYN to have it looked at. Tomorrow, I'll be having a mamogram and an ultrasound to determine if it's a minor issue such as a cyst or fybroid or something much more serious. So far so good, as my doctor is thinking it's probably a cyst. Either way, right now I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I'm watching myself live my life that feels really surreal right now. I feel incredibly thankful and peaceful and yet tiny bits of anxiety pervade here and there. I'm a mom of two now. Am I doing a good enough job raising my girls and loving them so that they see Jesus in me? What if something were to happen to me.....how would they remember me? Am I leaving them a legacy of love or one of confusion 'cause mommy says one thing and does another? I know this sounds maudlin but I've really been doing some soul searching lately, prior to the Wednesday shocker. I want, more than anything in the world, to be right in the center of where God wants me, doing what He wants me to do and I've wondered if I'm in that place or not. I'm at home with my girls, yes, but since we've been home I've felt exhausted and lethargic and at times, checked out. I've been told this is normal (called the "post adoption blue") but it's frustrating because I know my girls need me and I haven't felt like I've been there for them since we've been home. I've started to do some things for myself like go from 2 to 5 workouts (hard core)/week and I've made huge changes to our diet. All of these have had me feeling better quickly but I still worry about how to leave a legacy to my girls and be more purposeful at home. I NEVER want to be someone who says one thing and does another. I want to be full of integrity so that what you see is what you get - at home, with friends, at church, etc. Whether or not this mass turns out to be anything really doesn't matter. What does matter is how I live my life with the time & gifts I've been given. I have an old friend from college who is dealing with this reality right now. She is mom of 2 youngsters and my age (40) and unless God does a miracle, she has 6-12 months left to live due to an aggressive brain cancer. We just don't know, do we?

What I keep coming back to is cancer or no-cancer, God is an amazing God and I'm incredibly thankful for all that He's done for me and my family. He will be faithful to complete the work He began in me and that includes the "mom" end of things. He's met me at my deepest need and continues to meet all of our other needs. He directed us and then stood by us when we decided to sell our old house and everyone thought we were nuts. He moved us to an incredible neighborhood with wonderful new friends and neighbors. He's brought incredible amounts of love and healing to us after leaving our church of 8 years under heartbreaking circumstances. He provided through precious friends and family when not one grant agency would, getting us to China and back again with our precious girls. And, the shortfall that we experienced prior to leaving, He's provided a way to pay that off! On Friday we pay off the last of the adoption debt! "Thank you God" seems so inadequate! God is amazing and I feel so privileged to be called His child! I want to be a reflection of Jesus so that my girls can see how amazing He is and grow up loving Him the way I do. We will all have tough times but with God's help, we can grow deeper and deeper so that not one single tear is wasted. With God, all things have meaning.

I wanted to leave you with the lyrics of a new song we learned this week at church called "All Because of Jesus" by Steve Fee. It goes like this:

"Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To you be the glory

Maker of heaven and of earth
No one can comprehend your worth
King over all the universe
To you be the glory

I'm alive because I'm alive in You

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That cover's me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive

Every sunrise sings Your praise
The universe cries out your praise
I'm singing freedom all my days
Now that I'm alive"