Out of body experience

It's funny how certain life events can have you feeling like you're living someone else's life. I've got 2 of those circumstances going on right now. One is the surreal feeling I get when I look at my youngest daughter. I think of how long we prayed for her and dreamed of her and suddenly she's here. In my arms, no less! I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact, even 2 months later. The other is the feeling you have when you're facing a potential health crisis and your body has become a stranger to you. I'm going through that as well. Wednesday, I found a mass in my breast and Friday, I went to my OB/GYN to have it looked at. Tomorrow, I'll be having a mamogram and an ultrasound to determine if it's a minor issue such as a cyst or fybroid or something much more serious. So far so good, as my doctor is thinking it's probably a cyst. Either way, right now I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I'm watching myself live my life that feels really surreal right now. I feel incredibly thankful and peaceful and yet tiny bits of anxiety pervade here and there. I'm a mom of two now. Am I doing a good enough job raising my girls and loving them so that they see Jesus in me? What if something were to happen to me.....how would they remember me? Am I leaving them a legacy of love or one of confusion 'cause mommy says one thing and does another? I know this sounds maudlin but I've really been doing some soul searching lately, prior to the Wednesday shocker. I want, more than anything in the world, to be right in the center of where God wants me, doing what He wants me to do and I've wondered if I'm in that place or not. I'm at home with my girls, yes, but since we've been home I've felt exhausted and lethargic and at times, checked out. I've been told this is normal (called the "post adoption blue") but it's frustrating because I know my girls need me and I haven't felt like I've been there for them since we've been home. I've started to do some things for myself like go from 2 to 5 workouts (hard core)/week and I've made huge changes to our diet. All of these have had me feeling better quickly but I still worry about how to leave a legacy to my girls and be more purposeful at home. I NEVER want to be someone who says one thing and does another. I want to be full of integrity so that what you see is what you get - at home, with friends, at church, etc. Whether or not this mass turns out to be anything really doesn't matter. What does matter is how I live my life with the time & gifts I've been given. I have an old friend from college who is dealing with this reality right now. She is mom of 2 youngsters and my age (40) and unless God does a miracle, she has 6-12 months left to live due to an aggressive brain cancer. We just don't know, do we?

What I keep coming back to is cancer or no-cancer, God is an amazing God and I'm incredibly thankful for all that He's done for me and my family. He will be faithful to complete the work He began in me and that includes the "mom" end of things. He's met me at my deepest need and continues to meet all of our other needs. He directed us and then stood by us when we decided to sell our old house and everyone thought we were nuts. He moved us to an incredible neighborhood with wonderful new friends and neighbors. He's brought incredible amounts of love and healing to us after leaving our church of 8 years under heartbreaking circumstances. He provided through precious friends and family when not one grant agency would, getting us to China and back again with our precious girls. And, the shortfall that we experienced prior to leaving, He's provided a way to pay that off! On Friday we pay off the last of the adoption debt! "Thank you God" seems so inadequate! God is amazing and I feel so privileged to be called His child! I want to be a reflection of Jesus so that my girls can see how amazing He is and grow up loving Him the way I do. We will all have tough times but with God's help, we can grow deeper and deeper so that not one single tear is wasted. With God, all things have meaning.

I wanted to leave you with the lyrics of a new song we learned this week at church called "All Because of Jesus" by Steve Fee. It goes like this:

"Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To you be the glory

Maker of heaven and of earth
No one can comprehend your worth
King over all the universe
To you be the glory

I'm alive because I'm alive in You

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That cover's me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive

Every sunrise sings Your praise
The universe cries out your praise
I'm singing freedom all my days
Now that I'm alive"