Tackling insecurities

Sometimes I think I should change the title of this blog from "4-Ever Family" to "Diary of a Mad White Woman (spoof on Tyler Perry's movie) and Her Family's Efforts to Survive Her." I feel like I've been trying to be all things to all people ever since Lily came along (ok, since birth. Who am I kidding?) and it's, seriously, DRIVING ME CRAZY! Good wife, good mother, good friend, good sister, good daughter, good Christian, good involved church goer, good exerciser, good weight, etc. Why is it, as women, we are always striving to be everything to everyone? For me, I don't think it's perfectionism as much as it is people-pleasing. I hate to let people down so I try too hard to make them happy. I am a big mushball and get my heart broken easily so it's even worse if someone's upset or disappointed with me. I have a strong set of values that I won't break for anyone so when I do have to take a stand on something, it costs me in more ways than one. I guess it's good timing to have gone to the new Beth Moore simulcast yesterday called "So long Insecurity." As it turns out ALL of my people-pleasing is rooted in insecurity! Go figure! Wow, what a day! My brain still hurts. If any of you have ever either seen Beth Moore speak or done one of her studies, you know how intense and deep she is. Yesterday was no exception as we were encouraged to ask God to break the stronghold of insecurity in our lives and see how God uses us to change our culture as a result. No small challenge when you consider how deep and pervasive insecurity is in our lives. How many of us will miss out on God's calling in our lives because we were paralyzed by insecurity? Beth Moore said that insecurity is unbelief in God. Ouch! But it's so true, isn't it? If we FULLY believe that we are dearly loved children, as God has said in His word, and that we have been FULLY forgiven, then wouldn't that be the ultimate in security?! The funny thing is that for many of us, we think our insecurity is security because it keeps us in our comfort zone. The reality is that our insecurity keeps us from experiencing the real security of KNOWING without a shadow of a doubt that we are deeply loved children of God and FULLY forgiven. "If God is for us, then who can be against us?" I'm so tired of letting insecurity keep me from experiencing how deeply loved and fully forgiven I am. I'm scared of the process but I know that God will be faithful to complete the work He began in me and I'm trusting Him to do what He needs to do in me.

I can't help but think, once again, of God's perfect timing in bringing this up in my own life at this particular time. I've felt for a while that God is leading us up to something although I have no idea what it is and now I can't help but feel that perhaps He's wanting to get insecurity out of the way so that we are equipped to do whatever He's wanting to call us to do. Either way, I don't want to miss out on the bigger picture and I don't want to miss out on my calling, whatever that may be!

On other fronts, the "flower girls" are doing ok. Lily was sick one week and Jasmine has been sick this last week and VERY cranky so we've had a tough couple of weeks as a result. Playtime continues to be a challenge so please continue to pray for me as I continue to try and figure things out. I'm trusting God to continue to prompt me and I'll try to be faithful to follow through on what He directs.

Well, that's it for now. I have NO DOUBT that I'll be posting a lot about insecurity in the next few weeks and months as God brings me through this journey. Feel free to post back if you have any ideas that you think will be helpful or even share what you're learning as well! In all of these things, we are extremely thankful for an AMAZING and loving God who has done far more than we deserve in our lives!

Praise God.......yet again!

Thanks so much for your prayers! Praise God, my "mass" is a cyst or as the doctors said, "Holy cow, that's one honking big cyst!" Cracked me up! Anyway, I'm incredibly thankful and will be getting w/my doctor to see what the next step is. Thanks for praying!

Other than that we're all doing well. I'm still trying to figure out different ways to have more meaningful play time with the girls. I know that sounds weird to many of you but this is something that does not come naturally to me. I wish it did. We do, at least, have a great schedule in place, now we just need to fill it in with some substance. If anyone has any great suggestions that have worked for you and your kiddos, please feel free to pass along! I'm open! :-) I really want to create special moments with the girls each day as we play together. I want them to remember playing with their mom when they were little and to create these little "magical" moments with them that stimulates their imaginations and bonds us together.

Something else to pray for is for Jasmine and I to continue to bond. As I shared earlier, I've felt very disconnected since we've been home, a lot of that due to exhaustion, but disconnected nonetheless. I'm slowly getting my energy back by doing little things for myself and getting filled up but I really need to work at bonding with my littlest flower girl. Again, I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any great bonding ideas. I want both my girls to know, without a doubt, that their mommy loves them and thinks they're the most precious little girls. Thanks so much for your prayers on that as well!

In the meantime, we are so incredibly thankful & humbled for the MANY ways that God has blessed us. Thank you all for your love and support of our family.

Out of body experience

It's funny how certain life events can have you feeling like you're living someone else's life. I've got 2 of those circumstances going on right now. One is the surreal feeling I get when I look at my youngest daughter. I think of how long we prayed for her and dreamed of her and suddenly she's here. In my arms, no less! I can hardly wrap my mind around that fact, even 2 months later. The other is the feeling you have when you're facing a potential health crisis and your body has become a stranger to you. I'm going through that as well. Wednesday, I found a mass in my breast and Friday, I went to my OB/GYN to have it looked at. Tomorrow, I'll be having a mamogram and an ultrasound to determine if it's a minor issue such as a cyst or fybroid or something much more serious. So far so good, as my doctor is thinking it's probably a cyst. Either way, right now I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I'm watching myself live my life that feels really surreal right now. I feel incredibly thankful and peaceful and yet tiny bits of anxiety pervade here and there. I'm a mom of two now. Am I doing a good enough job raising my girls and loving them so that they see Jesus in me? What if something were to happen to me.....how would they remember me? Am I leaving them a legacy of love or one of confusion 'cause mommy says one thing and does another? I know this sounds maudlin but I've really been doing some soul searching lately, prior to the Wednesday shocker. I want, more than anything in the world, to be right in the center of where God wants me, doing what He wants me to do and I've wondered if I'm in that place or not. I'm at home with my girls, yes, but since we've been home I've felt exhausted and lethargic and at times, checked out. I've been told this is normal (called the "post adoption blue") but it's frustrating because I know my girls need me and I haven't felt like I've been there for them since we've been home. I've started to do some things for myself like go from 2 to 5 workouts (hard core)/week and I've made huge changes to our diet. All of these have had me feeling better quickly but I still worry about how to leave a legacy to my girls and be more purposeful at home. I NEVER want to be someone who says one thing and does another. I want to be full of integrity so that what you see is what you get - at home, with friends, at church, etc. Whether or not this mass turns out to be anything really doesn't matter. What does matter is how I live my life with the time & gifts I've been given. I have an old friend from college who is dealing with this reality right now. She is mom of 2 youngsters and my age (40) and unless God does a miracle, she has 6-12 months left to live due to an aggressive brain cancer. We just don't know, do we?

What I keep coming back to is cancer or no-cancer, God is an amazing God and I'm incredibly thankful for all that He's done for me and my family. He will be faithful to complete the work He began in me and that includes the "mom" end of things. He's met me at my deepest need and continues to meet all of our other needs. He directed us and then stood by us when we decided to sell our old house and everyone thought we were nuts. He moved us to an incredible neighborhood with wonderful new friends and neighbors. He's brought incredible amounts of love and healing to us after leaving our church of 8 years under heartbreaking circumstances. He provided through precious friends and family when not one grant agency would, getting us to China and back again with our precious girls. And, the shortfall that we experienced prior to leaving, He's provided a way to pay that off! On Friday we pay off the last of the adoption debt! "Thank you God" seems so inadequate! God is amazing and I feel so privileged to be called His child! I want to be a reflection of Jesus so that my girls can see how amazing He is and grow up loving Him the way I do. We will all have tough times but with God's help, we can grow deeper and deeper so that not one single tear is wasted. With God, all things have meaning.

I wanted to leave you with the lyrics of a new song we learned this week at church called "All Because of Jesus" by Steve Fee. It goes like this:

"Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To you be the glory

Maker of heaven and of earth
No one can comprehend your worth
King over all the universe
To you be the glory

I'm alive because I'm alive in You

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That cover's me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive

Every sunrise sings Your praise
The universe cries out your praise
I'm singing freedom all my days
Now that I'm alive"

New pics

Hi everyone. Just a quick note to let you know I've posted some new pics of our girls, as promised. Jim was off today (Good Friday) so we spent some time together at the zoo this morning before the storm blew in. Enjoy the pics! Love you all.